Jay Inslee will speak at lefty think tank Washington State Budget & Policy Center’s 2014 Budget Matters conference today. As SHIFT recently reported, our Inslee is scheduled to speak on the intersection of global warming and income inequality. Lucky for you, we here at SHIFT got our hands on an early copy of his speech.
Ladies and gentlemen, your green governor:
Thank you for having me today. I always enjoy the time I spend around liberals who happen to be budget and policy experts. Mostly because I always leave meetings like these feeling so much smarter than when I came. I love that everyone always agrees with my budget calculations. I mean, I learned math in high school and now I get to use the math I learned while I was in high school to figure out Washington State’s budget. How terrific is that?
It really is super to get confirmation from you experts that it is financially feasible to fund things like state employee pay hikes. Sometimes I get down about that because of all the warnings I get from other so-called budget experts and commonsense people that there is no way we can meet the requirements of the McCleary decision and pay for things that I really, really want. But, you guys get me. You guys know, like me, that it is enough that I believe what I believe about the things I really, really want. One of the things I really, really want to do is to pay back my biggest campaign donors. State labor unions gave my campaign for governor a million dollars. As I always say, pay it forward and it’ll come back around. Or is it, what goes around comes around?
Anyway, another thing that I really, really want to do is to be known as our nation’s greenest governor. And, for that to happen, I need to force my fuel mandate on this state. Now, there have been a lot of pesky rumors about what my fuel mandate would look like. It all started when the consultants I paid to figure out how much my fuel mandate would cost concluded that it would raise gas prices by $1.17 per gallon of gas. But, I paid those same consultants to go back and do some math to figure out a different conclusion. I know that you can do that because I learned math in high school. So, I don’t understand why some people out there are so skeptical about it still. Have I ever given anyone a reason to doubt me? Other than breaking my promise that I would not raise taxes, I mean. The fact that I’m about to propose $1 billion in new taxes to pay for some of the things I really, really want doesn’t count as a broken promise because I believe what I believe.
Now that I’ve got all that out of the way, let’s get to the subject at hand which is the intersection of global warming and income inequality.
I believe that global warming is upon us and it’s killing a bunch of oysters in the Puget Sound. I don’t care that the oyster expert person at the Department of Ecology said that there is absolutely no evidence that what I just said is true. I know it’s true because I believe what I believe.
If we let those oysters die, do you know who will be affected? Our kids, who will never get to see an oyster in their lives. And, do you know which kids would be most affected? Underprivileged kids. That’s global warming intersecting with income inequality. I, for one, don’t want those two things to intersect.
That’s why I came up with a solution, my fuel mandate. Washington State contributes anywhere from 1/10 to 3/10 of 1% of the world’s carbon emissions. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, I’m hoping my high school math will kick in soon, but somehow reducing our state’s miniscule carbon emissions is going to stop global warming and save those oysters. And, as another result, income inequality will start getting a bit more equal. I know that’s what’s going to happen because I believe what I believe.
Let me tell you what else, raising fuel prices on everyone, including low income families, that might seem like it’s increasing the cost of living and making income inequality worse, but… it is worth it. It’s worth it because that’s how you make sure global warming and income inequality do not intersect. Because, when you do it my way, it’s more like my fuel mandate intersects with income inequality and so global warming and income inequality won’t intersect. And, we don’t want those two to intersect.
Anyway, I’ll leave you all to think about all that. Thanks you having me and supporting all those oysters out there.
There’s nothing real about Inslee.
Great, and very accurate, parody. This is exactly what he’s been in effect saying and doing if you read between the lines of his recent actions and statements.
So, which is lazier: the witless attempt at satire in the text, or the re-use of the unflattering image of Gov. Inslee from this recent post?
I guess constantly remanufacturing the same drab, dull, and ineffectual attack propaganda becomes tiresome, even for low-quality writers with nothing better to do. Still, the swiftness of this graphical repetition was surprising; perhaps I underestimated how little Shift’s authors care?
Nothing tops someone taking the time to comment with moronic inane blather so you win.
tensor, it’s refreshing to see you come in and do a self-assessment. keep it up.
Roots — I didn’t use any photographs in my comments, so you get your usual F minus in reading comprehension. Being a former member of the (u)SP brain trust, I’m sure you’re used to it.
How are you doing since the final collapse of (u)SP? Has the passing of your intellectual gods from the stage left you bereft of wisdom? (Perhaps our State Senate’s Republican majority can conjure a new shiny trinket of an empty slogan to keep you admiringly occupied…)
Well, I knew it couldn’t last. It appeared you had pulled you head out of the dark place for a little while, but I see you’ve firmly put it back.
Can’t wait to see more of your ad hominem attacks in place of any positive contribution to constructive political discourse.
I may have been yanking your chain, but who’s pulling your strings – or was it you own idea to troll sites with which you disagree?
[…] to troll sites…
One of us has made on-topic comments which are relevant to the topic of this post, and one of us has repeatedly engaged in irrelevant personal attacks. Please do remind us which of these behaviors constitutes “troll[ing].” Hint — it looks a lot like this:
It appeared you had pulled you head out of the dark place for a little while, but I see you’ve firmly put it back.Can’t wait to see more of your ad hominem attacks in place of any positive contribution to constructive political discourse.
The satire just writes itself. That was always my favorite trait of the late and unlamented (u)SP. Glad to see you carrying on their proud (?) tradition. (‘Tis pity you can no longer bask in their magnificent wisdom — you seem already to be showing the lack of it.)
My marching orders do not come from the Senate Republican’s
No, they provided your guidance on punctuation. Fund apostrophes first! 🙂
… that’s why I pop in from time to time to annoy you.
So, how many times must you fail before you stop? It took your betters at (u)SP an entire decade to understand they’d accomplished little beyond providing amusement for us liberals. I hope you’re good for at least that long.
Washington State contributes anywhere from 1/10 to 3/10 of 1% of the world’s carbon emissions.
Here’s the problem with scientific illiteracy: it makes the author look like an ignorant fool. Chaos mathematics originated in attempts to predict the weather; scientists and mathematicians quickly discovered how even very small inputs would eventually amplify into huge, lasting changes. In that context, every little bit really does help.
But even without such an understanding, I like the logic of “since we can do little, we should do nothing.” Perhaps the author could walk up to cars stuck in traffic, and explain to their drivers that since the traffic on one road is such a small part of the overall traffic in our state, we won’t be doing anything to fix their road?